I open the door, the memories still live here, I can’t help but to smile bitterly and put down my bag. I went behind the small house of mine and saw the punching bag.

I clench my fist and find myself punching it, kicking, and started to scream at the top of my lungs. I am exhausted, I am in pain at the life that I do not deserve at all.

“Fuck!” I scream once more and found myself sitting at the grass and hug my knees, crying and I don’t care if someone is watching me.

After that day that someone saves me at Christmas eve, I have this feeling that someone is watching me here at my own house, that is why I choose to stay at other place, and work, but I ended up stealing money from them after they makes me upset.

“I hate this life,” I murmur and look at the clear sky. I didn’t feel that my fist is bleeding, maybe because I punch the bag so hard, due to anger and frustration.

I keep saying that everything will be alright, but at the end of the day, it’s still the same.

I need to cool my head, and to calm down a bit, and after that I need to function and continue this harsh life of mine.

Once again, I stand up and fix my hair, started to hit the punching bag and release all of the frustration that I have right now, focusing my mind and make sure that every drop of my anger will be out here where I almost murder the innocent punching bag.

Every punch is worthy of my pain.

I am done at punching the bag, now I started to work out inside my small house, and I didn’t care if the house is too dark, because I fear no one since the day I started to survive.

But I can’t lie to myself, no matter how I did all of this, the only thing that I care about is to have justice, and that justice is far from my hand, because I am poor, and I am not capable to fight.

The only fight that I need to win right now is this life called mine.

I count every penny that I have now and place it at the secured area of my old house, I don’t know how much money I save, but I will open that if I need money. But right now, I will survive in this kind of living.

I walk outside and saw an open store, it’s almost midnight, but the streets are still busy as ever.

“Hi, can I buy some beer and cigarette?” She gave three bottles of beer and five sticks of cigarette, I paid for it and walk back to my house, at the back of my house, where light is free.

One sip of beer taste heaven, and a soft wind makes my eyes close. I light a cigarette and blow the smoke, this is the only way to calm down, after beating up the punching bag.

What would be my life, if my parents are alive, does this home is lively?

I remember how my parents do their best to give the best life for me, and planning my future, but after that day, that incident.

I found them dead at this house, laying at the floor and the blood is all over the floor. It took one week before the police officers believe that my parents are dead, I cried at the church, but they just pushed me away, hurt me and kick me out.

That harsh life that I live, because of one mistake that I didn’t commit, fuck those crazy people.

I taste the beer at my throat and didn’t notice that I drank two big bottles already, and the first stick of mine is dead already, just like me.

My smile can’t hide when I open the last bottle and light some cigarette. Gena is in the prison, my only friend, she is always with me when I asked to drink and unwind when I need it. But now, I feel alone and maybe I am really on my own since the beginning.

I badly want to use my saved money for her bail, but what if I am also at the wanted list, I don’t want to rot in prison, that place is awful.

This kind of life is already a prison for me, how much more at the real prison, and I don’t know the probability at the prison.

“I will just enjoy my beer and the solidarity here, this stick of cigarette taste so painful.” I close my eyes and giggle, but deep inside, I am dying and wanting to die so bad.

I don’t want to become obsessed at being dead, I still have a little hope inside me, that one day, I will have the happiness that I deserve after many years of suffering in this loop.

How to feel loved? I am curious, what kind of feeling is that, because I can’t tell what love is, and have no idea what love is.

I know it sounds stupid or hilarious, but I am telling the truth. The only time that I feel loved is before my parents died. It’s been eighteen years, and I already forget what love is.

“It’s nice if I will experience that.” I smirked and drank the beer, and again. I didn’t notice that I am ran out of beer. My vision is kind of blurry, but I am still functional.

I tried to stand up, but I lost my balance, but an arm catches me, and helped me to sit down.

“I already brought you a beer and cigarette, here.” He gently placed the beer and cigar beside me, and he sat peacefully in front of me, and I make sure that my vision will improve because there is a stranger.

“Don’t worry, I won’t harm you or do anything bad,” I nod and smile, his voice is kind of familiar. The people who helped me at Christmas eve, the kid who is hiding behind a big guy who gave spaghetti and bread to me.

“Nichelle, we offered help to you many times, but you keep on declining,” he explained and open the beer for me, and for his own.

“I told you; I can’t afford to be in debt with gratitude, it’s hard to pay it back,” I explained and I saw him nod and I take a sip at the beer.

“But if you are under our protection—”

“I don’t need protection, I used to live with this kind of life, so you don’t need to worry about my situation, alright?” I said before chugging the whole beer instantly.

“I don’t understand your beliefs over the years that we are watching you, but we can’t force you, but if ever you got in trouble, we are here to help you.” I laugh hard and chug another bottle of beer and light my cigarette.

This rage is living with me for eighteen years. I can’t find peace, or there is no place for peace in this miserable life of mine.

“Leave me alone already, you are like a creep.” I joked and he stand-up, but I can feel that my vision is getting blurred this time, my eyes is shutting down like they have their own life to decide.

“I don’t want to sleep,” I said and feel the tears at my cheeks.

“But if you let me sleep, I want it eternally.” I murmur before losing my consciousness.

***

I harshly woke up, check my body if I am still wearing clothes and checked my female part, good thing that I am in one piece.

But still, I am horrified that I am here at the bed and perfectly tucked, and a note was left at the cabinet.

“You are all safe, and please be safe always.” I read it loud before standing up and checked the table, and there is soup and food, but I choose the cigarette and coffee in the morning.

I didn’t notice that it’s Sunday, and the sound of bell at the church annoy the shit of me. Does it matter, to ring the bell every mass?

“I need to fix myself!” I remember that I have shift at bakery, that is why I hurriedly take a bath, change my clothes, and run.

I saw a woman who is standing in front of the church, I run after her and she was surprised. “I am sorry, I am in hurry.” I run faster and she didn’t notice that I got the gold necklace that she is wearing now.

I know every corner of this city, that is why I know where to hide and escape. I look at the necklace and can’t hide my smile, this pawnable and worth a lot for sure.

The bakery is open, and the owner was outside, she waved at me and smile. “Nichelle, you need to hurry, we have a lot of customers later.” I nod and go inside, as if she didn’t kick me out of the bakery.

My workmate looks mad at me, she rolled her eyes, and I just left my bag at the table, and left her. She went outside of the workstation and approached the owner of the bakery.

I wear the apron and hairnet, filed up all of the breads and clean the stalls, until they went inside, looking serious and didn’t even look at me.

“One Spanish bread and hopia.” The customer said and I accepted the payment, I went to the cashier area, but the owner stops me.

“Why? I will give the change,” I said, and she look angry.

“You are thief! I saw the video last night; you stole the sales of the other day!” she screamed, and my jaw dropped, she is holding my bag and a pack of drugs was there?

How does it happened, I am not using any kind of drugs, I do steal but do drugs, that idea never pop up in my mind even I am a miserable person.

“No, I am being framed here!” She slapped my hand, and my workmate is smiling from ear to ear now, like she know who put that pack of drugs.

“I will call the police now!” I automatically snatched my bag and remove my apron.

“This is pure crap!” I hissed and walked away, but the start to hurt me, hit me and punch me. But unfortunately, I am more powerful than them, pushing them away from me and I start running.

“That is the thief, she stole money from me!” my boss scream, and a lot of people is looking at me now, and I know shit would happen if they caught me.

I tried my best to run as fast as I can, but I got cornered by the people and the police mobile, vision become red, didn’t anticipate that a rock will hit my forehead, and I lost my balance.

A lot of people started to hit me, and they stopped when police officer stops them, and there I was, laying at the street where I used to run every time I steal from people.

Now, it got me.