I STILL FEEL YOU

NEZIRA

“Freda, I’ll be a bad person if I let you go to your apartment in your condition. You’ll need to be taken care of and I’ll sure do that.” I said whilst driving. The traffic seemed less today. Looking at Freda from the rear view mirror. She held her stomach muttering sweet nothings to her unborn baby.

“Thanks so much Nezi, you’re really thoughtful.” She said still rubbing her stomach. If that could protect the baby from harm I would have kept doing that over and over again. Oh dear Aria. Why did you decide to leave without seeing mum. I thought as I heaved a sigh. I wish to be a mom but I’m scared I might not see her face and I might go with her. A tear dropped from my eyes.

“Are you okay? Do we need to change position? Are you sure you can still drive?” Dwayne asked as bent closer and he cleaned my eyes with his fingers. I slowly nodded my head and heaved a sigh.

“I’m good Dwayne.” I said as I kept my eyes on the road. I driving past my favorite eatery. Lu’s relish. They’re known in the city for preparing perfect sushi, pizza and the best noodles. I felt a soft tap on my back, knowing it’s Freda as she sat behind me and Dwayne next to me. “what’s it Freddie?” I asked her while concentrating on the road.

“Can you park? I’m craving pizza and cappuccino.” She said rubbing her stomach, giving me one pitiful look. I shook my head. Pregnancy comes with brash cravings.

“No Freddie, cappuccino is a huge no and stop looking at me that way because I’m not going to fall for that.” I said this time driving very slowly.

“pretty please.” She said this time throwing a tantrum. Dwayne turned back to look at her and shook his head.

“I’ll go get it. Is there anything you’ll need Nezi?” he asked unfastening his seatbelt. I stared at him. His hair was a little messy, I bent forward and arranged it. Then whispered softly.

“I don’t have appetite to eat. Just go get her cravings.” I whispered parking the car and turning off the ignition.

“Home sweet home!” Dwayne exclaimed slumping into one of the couches in the living room. The house keeper sure did a good job with the cleaning. I stared at Freddie’s stomach as she placed her hand on her waist, breathing heavily as she walked into the living room.

“Do have a seat Freddie, I’ll excuse myself now.” I said as I ran to the toilet. The toilet is a place where all sort of messes are dropped at. Including emotional ones. Staring at reflection on the mirror was indeed a horror to me. I’ve slowly evolved into a horrific being. My skin all pale. The makeup sure did cover a lot.

“Dwayne, what did the doctor say? I’m fine right?” I asked holding Dwayne’s hand. His eyes were heavy, staring at me with pity. His face sullen ever since the doctor singled him out of the room to have a chat with him. I’m sure their conversation has to do with my health. I was perfectly healthy until I collapsed during a press conference. He held my frail fingers tight. I struggled to sit upright but he motioned I remain still and he adjusted the bed in a sitting position. Much better as I get to rest my back.

“I’ll fight this battle with you, I promise not to leave your side and I want you to know that no matter how tough a battle is there’s always a victor and you’re a victor.” He said as he bent closer and kissed my palm then moved closer to my face and kissed my cheeks.

“Dwayne! What did the doctor say about me that turned you into a poet?” I asked him as stared at him. I don’t love pity looks and for him to do this the results are bad. I don’t miss my monthly appointments with Dr. Walce, so what could have happened to me? His grip on my hand became softer as he gently massaged my palm.

“Nezi, you have to be strong. For yourself, For me and For everyone looking up to you. You have cervical cancer.” He said as a tear dropped from his eyes. He pulled me into a tight hug. I sat motionless, not knowing what to do. Cervical cancer is the least I expected to hear. Tears formed on my eyes, I let them flow freely.

“Does that explains why I had difficulty in getting pregnant?” I asked Dwayne as he slowly nodded his head in affirmative. I let out a loud cry. He patted my back gently sniffing simultaneously. “How bad is it?” I asked in between sobs.

“Very bad.” He whispered.

I used my phone to check my calendar. It then dawned on me that I had only six months left to live. Only six good months for me. I’m nothing but a walking corpse. Tears flowed from my eyes. I held unto the sink sniffing hard. I held unto my wig and gently pulled it out of my head revealing my bald head. Cancer has eaten so much from me. I’m now a shadow of myself.

Nezira you have six months left to live. No heir, ten years married with nothing to show for it. Yet I lost my Aria 2 months ago. The saddest thing I’ve encountered. The first child that grew inside of me was snatched from me. I never got to hold her cute little arms, hear her cries nor experience her sucking milk from momma. I rubbed my already flat stomach wishing deeply that it was a bad dream not reality. Aria gave me the will to live again but she left without calling me mom.

I just signed an exorbitant deal with a client. Then headed to a meeting at conference room. Hours were spent opposing and proposing on a proposal that was worth millions. Finally we agreed to the proposal. I made to stand up when I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen.

“Madam you’re bleeding.” Emilia screamed alerting the attention of the board members who dialed the emergency line. she urged me to calm down as the ambulance would be at the company any time soon. I screamed holding my stomach. The pain was indeed unbearable. What I felt wasn’t just loosing my child but loosing my hope, my pregnancy was a risk. I’ve developed bond with my baby. The cramps became more intense as I screamed.

My eyes are swollen and my face now puffy. I turned on the faucet splashing water on my eyes and face. I can’t let Dwayne know I’m still mourning Aria. I held my stomach as I felt a soft kick. It's been two months but I still feel you kicking me Aria. I picked up my phone only to realize I’ve spent an hour plus in the bathroom. Dwayne must be worried. I turned the knob and unlocked the bathroom rushing to the living room but they weren’t there.

“Look at me. She should be arranging her things in my room.” I said to myself as I climbed the stairs heading to my room. Getting closer to my room, I heard soft moans coming from the master bedroom. I used my legs to kick the door open. No news is too heavy for me to handle. Nothing can further break an already broken woman. I walked into the room just to see Freda and Dwayne both nude. She sat on him, rolling her waist and grinding him while he laid on the bed. A tear dropped from my eyes. This is the same man who has refused to touch me the past six months. A man I invested so much in. A sudden realization hit me on what sort of a big fool I have been.