“You thought you were turning into some hormone monster?” He asked through the sniffles. He wiped his tears away with a somber smile on his face.

“Don’t smile at me like that it’s really embarrassing. I know how stupid that is, and how much of an excuse it looks like.” Max rubbed his neck while looking at the ground. He was certain now that Leo wouldn’t run off without hearing him out the rest of the way. So he loosened his grip on Leo’s wrist, but didn’t let go.

“But I really felt nothing like what I felt for you with Sam at all.”

“I mean with you I feel like lighting has hit me and my body has turned into a burning pit of lava, like I’m cold and hot everywhere at once.” It was exhilarating and wonderful, Max explained warmly.

“That kiss back there felt devoid of anything, it was just a warm sensation of attraction to a breathing body against mine.”

He scoffed and smiled. “What that was, back there now that was hormones...” He chuckled nervously at his own stupid joke.

Leo pursed his lips, a worrying sensation growing inside his pit.

“I’m sorry for hurting you. I shouldn’t have done it. But I just want to say Sam was just helping me figure things out because I needed to know if I was gay... If I liked Men I don’t think he meant for anything bad to come of it.” He finished.

Leo’s face screwed up as he realized what had suddenly made his stomach turn, why he suddenly felt so put off by the look on Max’s face. ‘Max was relieved and already making jokes about it? And it was hormones? His kiss with Sam had just been hormones? What did that even mean?’

Then it dawned on him and he felt his stomach jump in disgust. Max had figured out he was gay and liked men in general and...

Leo pulled his hand out of Max’s slowly a look of distress screwing up his pretty features. ‘Shit... Max had liked it, Max had enjoyed the kiss with Sam, because he was gay and attracted to men, all men.’

‘And if all this started because he was originally worried about being gay... And accepting those awakening feelings. Now that he had, now that he had realized his sexuality, and had felt aroused by Sam, well it was only a matter of time before he realized just who it was he wanted.’

‘He might not realize it right now, but his feelings for Sam hadn’t just been because he was attracted to him as another male. It was because he was just attracted to Sam and he just hadn’t had time to process that, yet.’

Leo groaned. ‘It hurt.’

‘He had been right all along, there really had been sexual tension between them. They just hadn’t come to that conclusion for themselves yet, and if he cared at all how Max felt trying to pull himself through this mess, he would let go right now, before things got messy. And feelings grew attached.’

“Max, are you saying that you felt something for Sam when you kissed? Even if it wasn’t a jolt of fire or electricity?”

“Leo, that’s not what I meant... I know what I want now, Leo.” Max looked into Leo’s eyes confused.

‘Everything had been going well, well what had happened?’ Leo thought. ‘And then he had to say it.’

“I want you!” Max said, confessing while staring into Leo’s eyes, his eyebrows pressed together in worry.

“I want to be with you,” Max said softly, stepping forward a bit closer trying to touch Leo again.

Leo stepped back. ‘I wish I could tell you this is for the best, but I am too much of a coward to say anything, especially when I am hurting right now, I am sorry Max…. I can’t. I just can’t.’

Leo felt like it had crushed his chest. ‘The worst of all, his fears had been realized. His own insecurities laughingly thrown back in his face. He wasn’t good enough.’

That daunting feeling of always striving to be better and yet failing every time, a hollow feeling that followed him like an echo through his life. And because he was too much of a coward pushing Max away was all he could do right now.

“So this is funny to you?”

“Right now.”

“How much could I really mean to a guy like you if you can just laugh everything off right now? If we can just laugh off my feelings of betrayal simply because you didn’t mean it Max.” Leo winced at his own words, wishing he wouldn’t lie, wishing he could force himself to stop.

“Did you feel anything at all?” Leo all but whispered, his voice strained and cracked around the words. His face was tense, his eyes almost pleading to hear Max say the words he wanted to hear. His delicate hands balled into fists that clutched desperately to his jeans tightly.

“No, I am not. I don’t think this is funny Leo. But I need you to understand my feelings. It wasn't like I kissed a wall, Leo... It was another living human being. It was warm and experimental, it was just me trying to open up myself to be able to be with you.” Max said, his slight frustration with Leo beginning to show now.

‘Why does it matter so much? I really felt nothing... I am trying so hard here, can’t you understand what I mean? Didn’t you feel cautions and scared at all when I kissed you? Didn’t you worry what people might think?’

“No.” Leo lied, then looked down at the ground to utterly destroyed inside, despite his efforts not to be.

“Why not? He is breathing after all, and you are not made out of stone.” Leo said, echoing Max’s words back at him, his lips and chin trembling as the ugly words fell off his own lips making him feel even worse. He stepped back again as his face crumpled.

“I am human...” Max repeated his face waring between confusion and annoyance while Leo’s looked around for a way to run.

Leo knew he had lost Max, that it was over before it had begun. He couldn’t impede a lasting friendship filled with love. Especially one that made Max question his own sanity, and so with it over, the only thing left to do was run again. He looked over and saw the realization on Max’s face.

Max knew somehow he had lost him. But didn’t know how or why and looked like he wasn’t ready to let Leo leave.

Leo wished for one moment Max could read his mind. ‘Just let me go... Please... It hurts too much, don’t say anything more... Just let me go.’

“I felt an odd sensation and a small amount of satisfaction with it,” Max hissed admitting defeat, saying the words Leo didn’t need to hear. Leo squeezed his eyes closed.

“With Sam, you felt satisfied kissing Sam...” Leo couldn’t even open his eyes as he squeezed the words out, each one like a knife to the gut, an immense pain to his heart.

‘He had steered Max exactly to where he had wanted him to go, the realization that he liked Sam, but never had any words hurt more.’ He looked back into Max’s eye’s, one final look of gut-wrenching pain that begged him for an escape.

Max stepped forward impulsively. For one second, Leo wanted Max to touch him and hold him again, but he knew he wouldn’t. He knew he had made it impossible for him to do so.

Leo backed away and didn’t stop this time.

Leo’s eyes lit on something behind him, and his face took a bitter pain of devastation. Max turned around.

Sam was cautiously approaching. Max let out a loud groan.

‘Sam was coming to claim his property. Good, I am done being in everyone else's shadow all the time.’ Leo thought, but then reality told him to stop being stupid. Max had responsibilities, and he had obviously been gone too long and Sam had gotten worried because they had stuff to do. Missing practice in view of the coach and all the other people in the club was probably number one of the list of bad ways to skip out on Max’s responsibilities. But he didn’t want to think rationally right now.

Because he had hurt three people today, and if he stayed any longer, he would ruin a whole team. He couldn’t bear that kinda pressure.

Not anymore.