Another day to plaster on a fake smile and pretend everything was fine. As I stared at the school gate, if I had known how exhausting it would be, maybe I would’ve just stayed back at home, pulled the blankets over my head, and let the world move on without me for a day. Skipping school sounded tempting, but that would only draw questions I wasn’t ready to answer. So here I was, heading down the jam-packed hallways, hoping no one noticed the cracks in my act, but I failed at being an actress.

“Evelyn! Evelyn!!” Trina’s voice rang out, cutting through the noise. My heart sank the moment I heard her.

She rushed up to me, her curly hair bouncing after her as she did so, and a smile that grew across her face. Not only was Trina my best friend, but she was also the one person who had never failed to be there for me, without any questions being asked or judgments being passed. She is the kind of person who you could communicate anything or nothing at all, and she would still understand everything that you are going through. Having her there was reassuring, much like receiving a warm embrace on a chilly day. But her presence today seemed like a spotlight shining directly on everything that I was attempting to hide.

“Hey, what’s wrong with you?” she asked with concern written all over her face. Her brown eyes searched mine, looking for answers I couldn’t give.

“Nothing much. I’m good,” I replied quickly, forcing a smile that felt foreign on my face.

Her brows furrowed and she crossed her arms, clearly unconvinced. “Are you sure? You didn’t even show up for the beach party.” Her tone was tinged with disappointment, and the guilt hit me like a tidal wave.

She had been looking forward to that beach party, and I had been looking forward to it too for weeks. Everyone was going, and Trina had begged me to come along since we both planned it together. But how could I? How could I stand there in a swimsuit, surrounded by friends, when my body was a canvas of bruises and secrets? Bruises that were meant to stay hidden, just like the truth behind them. My absence had clearly left her questioning but also with a trace of worry.

I wanted to tell her the truth, to let her in on the whirlwind of emotions I’d been battling with. But instead, I also wanted to protect my brother.

“I’m sorry, girl,” I said, shrugging and feigning nonchalance. “I was grounded for my school performance.”

It was a lie and of course, I hated myself for it. Trina didn’t deserve my lies, but it was easier than explaining the real reason. Easier than saying, Dave happened. But, her eyes told me she wasn’t buying it.

Trina’s expression softened. “Oh, that’s why you weren’t answering your phone. I tried calling you a million times!” She crossed her arms, looking genuinely upset for me.

“Yeah, my mom took my phone,” I added, weaving the lie deeper. “It’s all over now, though.” At least, that’s what I told her. Inside, I knew it was never going to be over.

When Trina got closer, grabbing me and pulling me into a hug. "Take it easy, young lady. In this session, we are going to put in more effort and ace everything together. No one is going to ground my best friend again!” Though her tone was gentle, but the warmth caused a lump to form in my throat.

“I missed you,” she said, squeezing me tighter. “If I hadn’t gone to visit my grandparents, I would’ve been at your house every single day. You know that, right?”

Before I could respond, she pulled me into a hug. Her warmth and her sincerity were almost too much to bear.

Her words were like a dagger, cutting through the walls I had built. I wanted to tell her everything, to pour out all the pain I’d been carrying, but I couldn’t.

I forced a laugh, though it came out strained. “I missed you too,” I said, and for a moment, I almost believed the mask I was wearing.

“That reminds me,” I said, trying to change the conversation away from me. “How are your grandparents?”

For a little instant, her face brightened up, and I felt a sense of relief washed over me. “They’re very fine. I was happy to see them. My grandma even made me this ridiculous hat out of yarn like bright orange, very old fashioned. I’m never wearing it, but I couldn’t say no to her!” She laughed, the sound pure and carefree, a stark contrast to the storm brewing inside of me.

“Speaking of hats,” she said, rummaging through her bag, “ta-da! Look what I got you!”

She brought out a pink baseball cap, holding it up like a prized trophy. The word KISS was boldly embroidered on the front in sparkly letters.

At first, I just stared at it. Then, the word hit me like a freight train. KISS. My mind spiraled, taking me back to every stolen kiss, every unwanted touch. Dave’s lips against mine, his breath on my skin. His mouth on my boobs. His tongue on my clit. My chest tightened, and for a moment, I couldn’t breathe.

“Come on, Evelyn! You’ve always wanted a pink baseball cap. Why aren’t you smiling?” Trina said, tilting her head as she held it out to me.

I wanted to take it. I wanted to smile and thank her, to pretend like everything was fine. But I couldn’t. The sight of that word was too much. It felt like a cruel reminder of the life I was trapped in with Dave.

Without a word, I turned and walked away.

“Evelyn!” Trina called after me, her voice tinged with confusion. “Evelyn, what the hell?”

I kept walking, my steps quickening as tears pricked my eyes.

“Evelyn!” she yelled again, and this time I heard her footsteps running after me.

Before I knew it, she was right behind me. She grabbed my shoulder and spun me around to face her. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she demanded, her voice filled with frustration.

Something inside me snapped. Without thinking, I shoved her away, harder than I intended to. She stumbled, her eyes wide with shock as she dropped to the floor.

“Leave me alone!” I screamed, my voice trembling with anger and pain.

The moment the words left my mouth, I regretted them. I stared at her, sitting on the ground, her face a mixture of hurt and disbelief. I wanted to apologize, to help her up, but my body wouldn’t move.

Trina didn’t say anything. She just looked at me, her eyes searching mine for an explanation. When she didn’t find one, her gaze hardened, and she turned away, brushing dirt off her hands still seated on the floor as if she was giving me one last chance to explain with unshed tears glistening in her eyes.

I turned immediately, walking away as quickly as my legs could carry me before the tears I’d been holding back finally spilled over. My vision blurred as I made my way down the hallway, each step feeling heavier than the one before it.

I just lost my best friend.

The thought echoed in my mind, each word a hammer to my chest. Trina didn’t deserve this. She had only been trying to help, to be there for me, and I had literally pushed her away. But how could I let her in when the truth was too dark and too twisted to share?

I wiped my eyes, sniffing back the snot as I slipped into the bathroom. Locking myself in a stall, I sank onto the closed toilet seat, my head in my hands.

I’m sorry, Trina, I thought silently. But no amount of apologies could fix what had just happened.

I stayed there for a while, letting the silence wrap around me. It was the only place I could fall apart without anyone watching.

When I finally left the stall, the hallways were empty. Lunch had started and the chatter from the cafeteria echoed faintly in the distance. I didn’t bother going. Instead, I headed outside, finding a quiet spot under a tree near the edge of the school field.

I hugged my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth as sobs wracked my body. Trina’s hurt face haunted me, but so did Dave’s. The two worlds I was trying so hard to keep separate were colliding, and I didn’t know how much longer I could keep up the act.

The tears I’d been holding back for so long spilled uncontrollably. I wished Trina would understand, that she would know why I’d pushed her away, why I couldn’t keep pretending to be okay. I know she wouldn't judge me which is why I couldn't bring her in the mess. But I knew more than anybody, I had just lost my best friend.

I had pushed her too far, and now the distance between us felt too great to bridge. We were no longer the same people.

I had lost her, and it was my fault. And in that moment, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had lost everything else, too.