Chapter 4

LYRA.

I began to breathe heavily as the image of what I'd just watched replayed in my head, and I slammed my face with my palm, wishing it was all unreal. My whole body began to shake and I fell flat on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. What did I just watch? Who had done this? And why was it sent to me? It immediately occurred to me that the video was what the gardener and the cook were discussing when I met them in the kitchen. Revenger porn, the gardener had called it. My mother was supposed to be bigger than this, she was supposed to be the one with things under her control. But she had been careless, and a sex tape of her had been sent to me by some random number. I sighed heavily as I wondered how many more people had seen this, and I picked up my phone again, hoping it was all an illusion. The message had vanished, having been set to be viewed just once. Notifications from my class’ group text began pouring in, and I tapped it open, devastated to see that it was already making hot waves amongst my classmates and I'd been tagged to a video. I clicked on the video and I watched in disbelief as the same exact clip I'd watched replayed again. I quickly logged off and rushed into YouTube, searching for the video and silently praying that it hadn't made it there yet. The video came up even before I typed in the key words, and I was shocked by the number of views it already raked in just 20 minutes of its release. My curiosity felt even more intense and I signed into my other social media apps, and I was shocked to my bones as the video had made it to the top of my feed, garnering views and reactions like moths attracted to light.

I tossed my phone away in frustration as tears brimmed in my eyes, cascading down my cheeks uncontrollably. Why did this have to happen now, of all times in the world? My mind drifted to the comments I'd seen on my class’ group text, and more tears rolled down my cheeks as it dawned on me that I'd automatically signed up for even more drama in the hands of my class bully — Cassian. Cassian was someone who was ever ready to make sure I was never comfortable, someone who had it his life's mission and primary duty to be a thorn in my flesh and torment me as much as he could, and this was just the perfect weapon he needed. This wasn't just any secret about anyone or anything, it was about my own mother, and in extension, my family. We had just been dragged into the mud, and the Cassian I knew was ready to do anything and everything possible to make sure I remained there without any means of being saved. There was no way I was going to set my foot into that school anymore, because with or without Cassian, the little reputation I'd managed ro build as an extremely bright student had been tainted so badly.  I had no defense to put up for whatever drama was going to emanate from this whole scandal. My exams were to start very soon, and I’d already made plans on staying extra hours in school so I could have enough study time, but now, it was a wish upon a star. 

A soft knock came on the door, startling me. I quickly wiped my eyes with the back of my hands as I looked towards the door. 

“Who's it?” I asked, trying to steady my voice.

The door knob turned gently and the maid walked in, bowing curtly. “It's dinner time, ma'am. Your food has been served.”

“I'm not hungry,” I replied sharply, turning away from her and staring blankly into space. 

“Uh.. ma'am? You haven't had anything all day, and the food is getting cold,” the maid pressed on, hesitating at the door. “You're sure you don't want to eat something? We could have something else made for you if you don't like what is served.”

“I said I'm not hungry,” I snapped. turning sharply to face her. “Leave my room and shut the door behind you.”

The maid stood still, confused on whether to leave or stay. “Ma'am, I'm really sorry to bother you, but your mother isn't going to be pleased knowing that you had nothing to eat all day,” she said, genuflecting slightly. My eyes became watery again at the mention of my mother, and I sniffed, blinking the tears back. She took a closer look at me, worry written all over her face. “Are you alright, ma'am? Is something wrong?”

“I said you should leave my room!” I yelled, the tears flowing freely now. “Leave me alone! Get the hell out of my room and leave me the hell alone!” I said, lifting my bag from the bed and hurling it at her. “Get out, now!!”

“I'm sorry, ma'am,” the maid said, genuflecting again and hurrying out of the room and shutting the door firmly behind her. My emotions overwhelmed me and I fell face flat on the bed, sobbing uncontrollably and bawling my eyes out. It seemed like my world was crumbling before my very eyes, and I felt so helpless as I lay there on the bed. I'd never felt so alone in the world, and I wished now more than ever that there was something I could do to take this whole scandal away, or someone I could talk to, at least.

I got up and walked to the bathroom, lifting my shirt over my head and dropping it on the floor. I stared at my image on the mirror which hung on the wall, my eyes reddened and my face contorted with emotions. I picked up the blade lying on the hand wash basin and made a deep cut into my upper arm. I sighed heavily as I felt the sharpness of the blade searing into my skin, and I pressed the wound hard, watching silently as the blood dripped from the cut. I closed my eyes momentarily, savoring the pain and I felt the tension that overwhelmed me earlier gradually fading. I knew this wasn't going to change the way I felt right now, or the way I was going to feel henceforth, but I pressed harder, feeling a sense of relief from the pain that shot through my arm.