When my parents noticed my inability to feel sadness or to grief; they were worried as any normal parent would be.

It could be noticed from their faces, from their actions.

I was a little worried too.

Because I realized that if anything happened to them, I wouldn't feel sad.

But then… I would feel other emotions too. Wasn't that okay?

I felt confused.

The books that I read said things like grief claws at people's hearts, squeezing till they felt out of breath.

I didn't want to feel that way, so maybe this was a good thing?

I could feel fear, frustration, happiness but not sorrow, not sadness, not grief.

At a young age, I was diagnosed with Selective Emotional Blunting.

My parents got me a therapist, and I started sessions. Although, overtime I forgot about such things as there weren't any cases that would cause me grief.

A few days later, Julian called my therapist and I had a session but it didn't change anything.

My legs weren't working.

My parents were unconscious and won't wake up for who knows how long.

Nothing changed.

Except…

“I’ll pack the things you'll need. You'll have to stay with Ivan for a while.”

“Stay with… Ivan?” I asked, wondering if I was hearing something else. “As in live with him. Just him and me… alone?”

Julian froze, his eyes stared at Ivan, then me…

“Separate rooms, separate rooms.”

The way he was repeating his words. “Are you trying to deceive me or yourself.”

He looked like he belated understood that he was pushing his younger sister to a guy's house.

“I'll take care of her.” Ivan stepped up before my brother could have any more thoughts about backing out, and Julian looked him over. “Trust me.”

Julian sighed and continued after a little hesitation.

“We all grew up together so nothing would happen. And besides, you're both engaged.”

“Big brother, your eyes are twitching.” I stifled a laugh. 

My brother looked away and faked a cough when he was caught.

I could only reassure him. “I'll be alright, don't worry too much. I have slept over at his house a lot of times.”

“Wait! When did that happen?” My brother's eyes widened.

Besides me, Ivan let out a chuckle. “I'll take good care of Sofie.”

While I ignored my brother's hot gaze.

My brother clicked his tongue. “You both keep playing games with me.”

I laughed and my brother stared at me with a strange expression.

“What?” I asked him when I noticed it.

“Think about good things, only good things; positive things. I'll take care of the rest.”

I'm sure my face showed my confusion but he smiled at me and smoothened back my hair.

“Where are you going anyway?”

“Abroad for a while.” My brother said, while looking for off. “Dad was about to sign a major deal and if it fails out and he wakes up and finds out, he's going to be mad.”

I laughed, taking note of his sincerity.

Right, let's think positive.

Even if I didn't feel sad.

I still felt other emotions.

I still got worried, I still felt fear.

So I decided to hold on to that and support my brother, so that he wouldn't break down.

If I crumbled despite not feeling sorrow, what would happen to him, who felt everything?

“I'll handle most of work here.” I decided.

“But you just woke up.”

“Correction, I woke up, I have been tested, cleared by the doctor and discharged.”

“You still need rehabilitation.” My brother wasn't letting me off easily.

Then, Ivan interrupted. “She can juggle between rehabilitation and paperwork. I'll make sure she doesn't overwork herself.”

Seeing that Ivan was in my support, I smiled brightly.

Julian pinched my cheeks. “Don't look so smug. I'll drop home to get your things and meet you at Ivan’s house.”

He turned to Ivan. “Let's talk outside. There's a lot of things you need to take note of.”

As he almost dragged Ivan out of the ward. I spoke behind them.

“Just because he doesn't talk much, don't mean you can bully my fiancé.” 

I received a glare from my brother.

While Ivan, was smiling.

“Thank you for worrying about me, fiancee.” 

My face felt hot and I looked away immediately.

I heard my brother grumble. “Don't make me regret suggesting both of you live together.”

The door closed behind their backs and I leaned back on the bed.

My ears felt hot.

I covered them with my hands.

After a few minutes, they came back and helped me pack up and we headed to the car.

“Do I need to go to the company?” I asked my brother.

“I’ll have one of my assistants on standby. The documents will be brought to you and taken back. No need to go outside.” 

“Alright.” 

It was fair enough, I didn't want to move out too much either.

When Julian opened the car door, I realized that I couldn't stand up and sit by myself anymore.

Julian smiled at me, knowingly.

He bent down and carefully scooped me up and placed on the back seat. 

I arched my back and gripped his hand as I felt the feeling of the car seat.

My eyes were wide, and I clenched my teeth. 

“Wait— Brother!” I gasped.

My breathing grew erratic. My ears buzzed like water was trapped inside.

The voices came rushing down to me at once and I couldn't hear anything again.

After a moment I caught myself and tried to take steady breaths.

Inhale, exhale…

Steady breaths like the therapist said. 

In…

Out…

It took a while before I got myself.

I noticed that Ivan had put the wheelchair into the trunk, and was by my side.

My brother and Julian all had worried expressions.

“I'm okay, now.” I assured them. “The therapist said it's not that severe, I'll be better in no time.”

Julian closed his eyes and sighed. “Maybe I shouldn't go anywhere. I'll stay with y-”

“No. Go.” I told him. “Get the deal and tell Mom and Dad the good news. Maybe they'll wake up and stop dreaming about their honeymoon.”

He chuckled, but the worry didn't leave his eyes. “Okay.”

“Drive slowly.” He told Ivan before he left in his own car.

The drive back was very very slow. To the point that even people were faster than the car.

Ivan’s driving was incredibly slow. My palm was supporting my chin, throughout the whole ride.

Overtime I was fed up by it and suggested.

“Can you drive a little bit faster?”

“Not happening.” His eyes didn't leave the road.

Realizing that he wasn't going to listen to me, I glanced outside again.

But deep down, I felt comforted. My lips twitched into a small smile.

Then, I felt the car slowly increase. I turned to him and saw his eyes through the rear glass, as if he was checking if I was alright with the speed.

He looked away when I didn't show any signs of displeasure.

My smile widened.

We were a little bit faster than humans now.

We didn't talk about anything but…

The ride, was the most comforting one I've ever had.

After much time passed, we arrived at his villa. He stepped out and I waited until he pulled out the wheelchair and opened the door.

Before he asked, I wrapped my arms around his neck, waiting for him to lift me up.

But he froze and his body grew rigid.

Our faces were inches away from each other.

I looked up and saw expression in his eyes. He wasn't blinked.

Hmm.

“What's wrong? Do you want a kiss?” I asked him, using my thumb to trail over his lips.

He pulled back sharply.

Bang!

He let out a small groan when he hit his head on the roof of the car.

“Shit!” I heard him curse.

I've never heard him curse before.

He turned away from me, as his chest moved up and down.

Was he having difficulty breathing?

Did I do something wrong?

After a while, he hurriedly scooped me out of the car and placed me on the wheelchair.

It was then, I realized that his ears were slightly red and he avoided my gaze.

I giggled. 

Then I looked forward and my giggles faded.

I realized that all the house staff lined up to welcome us.

And they saw our interaction in the car.

The employees dried in their uniforms were facing down, but I could still see a few, glancing my way.

It was then, I started thinking about my mental state critically.

Is it too much to ask to exchange the absence of sorrow for the absence of embarrassment too?

And this so happens to be the house that I'll stay over for some while…

Damn…