Chance

Ten years ago

Dead eyes stare me down in the mirror as I wash my face in the sink for the second time today. My face is sunken in from the weight I have lost and the scraggly beard I have grown in the last few weeks is getting too long.

Rattling pounds the bathroom door and seconds later Laurie opens the door, letting it bang against the wall with a loud crash. I close my eyes, remembering the very first time I laid eyes on her.

I was a pathetic sophomore in college, whose whole life revolved around graduating with honors. My parents could barely afford to send me, but with loans, scholarships and hard word, I had my foot in the door. Laurie was a new freshman, whom was in the same boat, but instead of looking at life half empty, full of bills, debt and responsibility, she showed me what it would be like overflowing with joy and happiness. Showed me that we had the chance to overcome everything that was put in front of us. Her deep red hair and dark green eyes called to me in a way I never knew I could feel, and I knew from the moment we collided into each other in front of the main hall, that she was it for me.

"Ryan, you have to get your shit together, we still have to go on, you still have a daughter that needs you." My eyes open and I take her in. Her eyes are red rimmed like she's been crying, and I know that she has been. I have been neglecting her and my daughter, but I just can't give them one hundred percent of me, not until I know what really happened that day.

"Laurie, please. I just need some time." Her eyes lower with sorrow, something I have seen way too many times in her eyes in these last few weeks.

"And I have given you that Ryan. It's been weeks, and although I know this is something you can't just get over, you have to show me something here. I need to know you plan on coming back to us. She needs you too Ryan, Ava needs you too, and right now, it's like her father died right along everyone else that day."

"Don't fucking talk about them like that! You have no idea what I am going through." I shout, my anger has been on a short fuse lately and knowing I am getting nowhere with the investigation, it's causing more and more anxiety I constantly feel.

"You're right, I don't know how you feel, because you won't talk to me. You're shutting me out, and in doing so, you are acting like you can't move on."

"I can't Laurie, those assholes killed all my students. Killed them. And everyone is excepting me to just to just act like nothing happened. Act like their lives were worthless. I can't do it. I owe it to them."

I had told Laurie, along with the investigators and detectives about me running Sean's gang off school grounds that day, and that I believe that it was his gang who did this, but they all reassured me it wasn't my fault, that I was just doing my job. I didn't believe them, still don't. It was my fault, and I can't forgive myself.

"Fine Ryan. I'll give you some more time, but you need to see you daughter. She hardly sees you and is asking about you. She needs to get ready for school, why don't you go and wake her?" I nod my head at Laurie and wait for her to leave the guest bathroom, the room I practically live in now. I was tired of waking Laurie each and every time I had a nightmare, so I started going to the one room in the house that's hardly used.

One last splash of water on my face, and I head down the hall towards Ava's room. Before I get there, I hear a knock at the front door. With dreaded feet, I walk over to answer it. After spending days at the hospital, there has been a slew of different people at our front door. At first, we had our family and friends over. My mother and father, Laurie's parents, our neighbors. Everyone wanting to see if they can help out and get food for us while I recovered. But then the questions came. From acquaintances to strangers, everyone began wanting to know what happened. I kept to myself mostly, not giving away any details, but once the parents of my students began asking, I knew I couldn't keep in what I think happened. Laurie warned me it would destroy me telling the story over and over again but if they felt they needed to know every detail of their child's last moments, who was I to deny them that. She was right in the end.

I was destroyed.

Opening the door, I am surprised when I see Detective Emerits on the other side of the door. I look back, making sure Laurie isn't behind me, and walk outside with him. The polite thing would have been to invite him in, but I need to know if this has anything to do with my behavior lately. Something Laurie would hate to find out about.

"Detective Emerits." I acknowledge and he tips his head at me.

"Mr. Malone, sorry for coming on such short notice but I wanted to stop by and speak with you personally." I nod my head and wait for him to continue. "We are still under investigation, but I thought you should know, that as of now, we have no new leads."

"How can this be? I told you people everything about Sean's crew. It has to be them. They were angry with me about kicking them off school grounds and embarrassing them and they took it out on me by killing eleven kids." I nearly shout but Emerits stays calm. He was the first person I spoke with in the hospital after I woke up. It was not easy hearing the news of my students, but once anger replaced the horrified emotion, I was ready to bring the people that did this, down.

"Ryan, they all have an alibi. The only person we can't get in touch with is Sean, and now the blame is going towards him. His crew was all at the mall when everything happened. It wasn't them. We have to go down another route. One that doesn't destroy what your program stood for." He waits for me to meet his gaze then continues once again. "In the meantime, you cannot come into the precinct and create a scene like the last time. We have to keep things professional and if people begin seeing you as someone that can't keep his cool after everything happened, then they won't honor your program any longer."

I'm stunned speechless. The program is everything to me, everything that I have put my blood, sweat, and tears into, but what does it really mean if I don't give my all to my students, even the ones that are no longer with me. I stare down Detective Emerits and give him the nod he is pleading for.

"For the record. I am sorry this happened. I won't stop looking for whoever did this, but my hands will eventually become tied. In the meantime, try and focus on your family and the other kids that will need you." Emerits turns and walks back to his Mercedes and I turn and head back inside.

Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I look around once more for Laurie. Getting no sign of her, I dial the number I have come to memorize in the last few months. Sean's phone rings once then goes straight to voicemail. I leave the same message I have left him numerous times before.

"Sean, it's Mr. Malone. We need to talk. Call me back or message me. I can keep it private, but we need to talk. I want to know what happened that day.and I know you know." Pushing the phone back into my pocket, I blow out a breath of frustration and head straight for Ava's room to wake her for school.

The door is partially ajar, so I push it open and stand in the archway, watching her small form sleeping on her purple princess bed. Her room is much like her, full of personality. Bright purple walls, with white stars hung around. Her purple desk sits in the corner with her pink frilly chair and her white canopy is hung around her bed.

Ava was a surprise to us but has been everything we could ever imagine in a child. Her dark red hair matches her mother but her deep brown eyes are all mine.

Laying on her bed beside her, I pull down some of the blankets and watch as her eyes open and land on mine. Her soft smile lights up a small fragment of my broken heart and I match her smile with one of my own. Her small finger runs down my cheek, right along the tear lines I know she can see and watch as she signs with her hands asking me if I am sad.

"A little bit." I say making sure to speak softly and slowly so she can read my lips.

Ava was born deaf and although it was a lot to focus on when she was a small infant, with patience, time, and numerous hours focusing on learning how to sign, we were able to communicate with her perfectly. She now has a hearing aid to help her begin to hear us and has been taught to watch our mouths as we speak. Ava has always been everything we wanted in a child and watching her study me the way she does, is proof that she sees more than we think.

"About your students?" She signs.

I nod my head and let her touch center me. She has always been able to make me feel whole again.

At first, we didn't know how much Ava understood about the situation. She saw me in the hospital, went with us to the funerals, and when the school had a lighting ceremony for those we lost, Ava finally asked the question we were waiting on.

What happened?

"Is daddy ever going to feel better?" My five-year old's fingers touch my cheeks once more and I turn her hand over to kiss her palm, then help her get ready for school