Chance

Ten years ago

I can still see the blood. Still see their bodies lying around. Still see the look in my wife's eyes as she tells me what happened to eleven of my students. Still recall the faces of every parent as they pass me at the funerals. I can still see it all, and I deserve every single ounce of it.

I sit cross legged on the cold cement floor, trash and debris flow around me as a small gust of wind circles them around a few seconds and reluctantly lets go. Movement behind me causes me to stand up and walk towards the very person that could have saved them all.

"Mr. Malone?"

"Tell me what you know Sean."

"What's going on?" He asks looking around then turns into a panic. "Why did you bring me here?"

I look around with him and take in the condemned place that destroyed everything. The students desks and chairs still lie scattered and pushed over. There is trash and paperwork from my class all over the place, and the small broken air conditioner portable still sits in the same spot.

"I needed you to see it. See them."

He looks back to me, panic still evident on his face, in his appearance. It wasn't easy taking him here, moving an unconscious body out of your suburban home and into your car tends to scream the word witnesses. I was lucky that no one saw, lucky that this place was empty and not still scrawling around with cops.

"Listen Mr. Malone" Sean grumbles in pain, cutting of his speech. He takes the small grey thermal I had placed on him and pulls it off him. When he came to me he was bloodied and bruised, someone had hurt him badly, but I managed to stop the bleeding and bandage him enough. "You fixed me up?" I nod my head in his direction then look back at the scene in front of me. The scene I could memorize in my sleep.

"I can't move on Sean. Can't stop hearing their screaming or tasting blood in my mouth. I can't move on until I know the person who really did this, is behind bars. This was my fault but it's affecting everyone around me." I turn and see tears forming in his eyes. "I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't breathe because each and every time I do, all I picture is them and the fact that they can't. You have to help me Sean. You have to help me get the fuckers behind this."

After what feels like ages, Sean finally begins speaking.

"They had beef with Carlos. He always gave me shit for being in a gang, said I was letting some fuckers control me. Said I wasn't acting like a man. His brother. his brother was killed by my guys. He hated what they stood for." I nod my head, recalling Carlos has an older brother that died a few years back from gang affiliation. "One day, Carlos was talking to me after school, the guys, they saw it, saw him trying to get me out of that life. They exchanged some words, then you came up, told them to leave. They were pissed, but also needed to show Carlos a lesson. I didn't know they were going to shoot everyone. As soon as I found out what their plan was, they locked me up somewhere and took my phone. They beat the shit out of me, told me not to say anything. I came to you the second they let me loose."

"Sean, we have to go to the police with this."

"No, you don't know who you're messing with Mr. Malone. These guys, they don't care who they have to kill."

"The police will put my family and you in a witness protection"

"Don't you see?" He shouts causing me to stop speaking immediately. "They own the cops man. They have them in their back pockets, on their payroll, even politicians. You can't go to the cops, can't go to anyone. You just have to let this all go."

"I can't let this go Sean. I can't let go of the fact that everyone wants to blame the kids that were labeled a bunch of degenerates. I can't let go of the fact that all of you, all twelve of you wanted to better yourselves and that it was for nothing. I can't let go of the images that plague my mind each and every second of each and every day. I can't let it go."

"I get it. I do, but if you speak to anyone about what I told you, then your family will be killed." Shutting my mouth I look around the room once again. I can't let Sean know I will do this with or without him. I have to lie to him for now, so that I at least know he is safe.

"Look Sean. I get it. I do. I'll keep my mouth shut but I need you to do me a favor." His face is eager, and it makes me want to kill those assholes myself. They have ruined everything innocent about him. "You have to get out of town. I have some extra cash, it's not much but enough to get you out of this state. I can't have you here anymore. I'll worry too much about you."

Sean stands and hobbles over to me. His arm clutching his side tightly. "Promise you me you won't do anything Mr. Malone. I don't think it's something you could survive."

I stare into this eyes Memorizing his word expression and nod my head at my former student.

"I promise."

ùùù

I check the message on my phone once more before shutting it off and placing it on my desk.

Unknown: Safe

The one word I asked him to text me once he got far enough away from New York.

It's been a week since I gave Sean the money and made him leave town. A week of going back and forth in my mind on whether or not I was going to pursue this. Sean's warning was fresh in my mind, but I knew I would never be the same unless I sought this out. Safe meant he was okay, safe meant I could move on and finish this, the right way.

My phone vibrates noisily on my desk, moving in a circular notion as I stare death glares at it. I've been receiving phone call after phone call from Principal Malley's office every day. I'm nowhere near ready to go back to the school that took not only everything away from me, but from eleven students. And Sean makes twelve. He can never come back home, will be forever classified as a runaway, not that his parents have even noticed he isn't there any longer.

I ignore the next three times it rings, intent on getting everything done, then tackling the next thing on my list.

A soft knock at my office door has me standing up and running over to it. Ava has been distant from me lately, not that I would blame her. She hardly knows her father anymore. Someone that used to be full of life and happy, has been replaced by a complete stranger. And I hate myself for it.

Opening the door, I watch as Ava blesses me with one of her perfect smiles. The very one I was blessed with the moment she was born.

"We're leaving." She signs.

"I know, I want you and mom to have some fun okay?" Her smile fades and she looks up at me with confusion.

"Daddy is not going?" Her small little fingers move fast, and I try to keep up. Ava being the age she is, makes trying to communicate with her harder. It's even harder when she has frustrating moments. She has asked us several times why her mouth doesn't work like ours does. It wasn't easy explaining that it was her ears, not her mouth.

"No, daddy is going to stay here. I want you to have fun with grandpa and grandma okay?" Her little head bobs up and down and I pick her up and carry her with me back to my desk.

She feels heavier than I remember, and I hate that it's most likely just been a while since I've held her. I've put so much into finding out who did this, that I can't give up now. But, I would be a fool not to see what it was doing to my family.

I'm doing this for them.

I have to constantly remind myself of that. Sean was right when he told me that Ava and Laurie could be hurt by these assholes, but that could be true no matter what I do. They know I can identify them, that means my family is not safe unless I go to someone higher up.

"Is daddy still sad?" I look down at my daughter in my lap and wish I could hold her like this forever, hold her until I can trust the world again.

"Yes, I'm still sad honey but"

"Ava, honey let's go."

My daughter turns when she hears her mother come into my office as well. Laurie has been avoiding me ever since I had her pick up Ava from school because I was too drunk to drive. I never told her about me being clearly sober enough to drive Sean across town, but I just couldn't risk my daughter.

"Daddy not coming?" Ava signs to her mother and Laurie's face contorts the same way Ava's did the moment I told her no.

Laurie moves closer into the room. Stopping just before us. She makes eye contact with me for a moment, then brings her gaze down to her daughter. Lowering to her knees, she moves Ava's hair back behind her ear, and turns her head to adjust her ear piece. "No honey, daddy is not coming. Now say goodbye."

Ava turns and waves to me, giving me one last kiss on my bearded cheek then runs out of the office. Laurie stands, watching her go then turns around to me and crosses her arms.

"Don't fuckin' start Laurie." I mumble but that only leads to her narrowing her eyes at me.

"Don't start? Don't start? How dare you tell me to not start Ryan. We need you, that little girl in the other room, needs you. She is crushed Ryan, she thinks she did something wrong to deserve your punishment."

I stand pushing my chair back against the china cabinet my father bought for us a few months after we bought our house.

"I'm still here. I'm not punishing her." I point at her, walking around the room to head to the small liquor cabinet. Grabbing the small liquor of bourbon. I pop it open and take a drag.

"You are punishing her Ryan. You're punishing the both of us. I understand what you went through"

"No you fucking don't. No one does. No one understands what I'm going through, what I've been through. Don't you dare try and compare shit with me Laurie."

"Then help me to understand Ryan. Help me to figure out when and how I am going to get my husband back, and Ava will get her daddy back. You have to try harder."

"I do try, I try every second for you and Ava. You have no idea how close I am to figuring this all out."

"And then what Ryan? What if after all this hard word that you are supposedly doing for Ava and me, we're not there anymore?"

I look down at the bottle in my hand. I want to throw it against the wall, I want to destroy something like the life inside of me has been destroyed. I have anger, hurt, guilt. I feel like I am suffocating constantly. I just want to go back, back to the time where I felt life all around me, not death.

"Laurie, please. I just need more time. Just a little more time."

She looks at me then glances at the bottle in my hand.

"Take all the time you want Ryan. Just don't expect me to be there when you decide you're ready." She says then walks out slamming the office door behind her.

Three hours later, I walk into the police precinct. I had made an appointment to speak with one of the officers. I had left him a message about the proof I now had for putting those assholes that destroyed my life away for good. Sean did not know this, but I had recorded him speaking and now have a confession that will put away the men that did this. I hated doing it behind his back, but this was for the best.

"Hi, how can I help you?" The perky receptionist asks from behind her desk. I look around and see the disarray of the precinct behind her. Cops in uniform walk around speaking to each other, some with paperwork in their hands. A man in the corner in cuffs sits down listening as one officer reads him his warrants and a few feet away from me, a police dog sits next to his owner as they bring in a large box that has the word evidence written in big red lettering. "Sir?"

"Oh yes, I have an appointment with Officer John Alberts." She blinks a few times then looks back towards the hallways where I assume leads to the offices.

"I see. One moment please." She stands, adjusts her pencil skirt and moves towards the hallway. I stand there, unaware of what just happened.

Minutes later, she returns with a man following behind her. I narrow my eyes, wondering if this is Detective Alberts. He's a little on the young side, with brown shaggy hair. His eyes are green and vibrant and has a cocky shoulder to his walk.

For some reason, I dislike him immediately.

"Mr. Malone, thank you for coming today. Please, follow me and we will see if we can help you out." I nod my head in his direction and follow along behind him. He leads me to a small cramped office where a large lateral file cabinet takes up majority of the office while a half dead Aglaonema plant sits in the corner of his oak desk.

I sit opposite him once he takes his seat at the desk. His fingers interlock in front of him as he attempts to give me a reassuring smile that just comes across as creepy.

"Mr. Malone I appreciate you going above and beyond to try and help us solve this case but I'm afraid what you are about to hand me will be insufficient evidence."

"Wait, what?"

"We can't use a device recorded supposedly by Sean Calvinson. We haven't even been able to bring him or find him. I understand you meant well, but as we have told you before, each of the men you place as the murderers, have alibi's for that day."

"No, you don't understand." I'm at a loss for words as I try to make sense of all this. "I have exactly what you would be looking for. He was with their crew, he knows they did this. They threatened him."

Alberts eyes narrow at me and I hate myself for hinting that I know where Sean is. "Mr. Malone, if there is truly a murderer among their crew, I need Mr. Calvinson here to testify. Especially if he can identify each and every one that was involved."

"I. I don't know where he is." I look down at the ground, frustrated with everything surrounding this.

"We'll that's too bad Mr. Malone. If you get any more information, please, do not hesitate to bring it to my attention." He stands, adjusting his tie and gives me a smile.

"That's it? That's all you have to say to me after I tell you I practically have a fucking Confession?"

"Mr. Malone"

"No, do not tell me you understand, do not tell me you are sorry for what I have been through, do not try to sympathize with me. Do your job. Is that so hard to do? I tell you I have proof from a multiple murder crime of eleven teenagers, and this is how you treat me?" I scream, standing up and causing my chair to fly backwards behind me.

I can hear hushed whispers beyond the open door of the office and know I have caused attention to focus on the two of us, but I do not care. This asshole is giving me the run around and I am at my wits end.

"Listen asshole" Alberts starts but gets cut off when a man stop walks into the room with his palm up facing Alberts. I stare at the stranger with confusion and glance between him and Alberts.

"Alberts, everything okay in here?"

"Yes sir. Mr. Phillips. I was just speaking with the survivor of the Silver Creek shooting." His nervous demeanor comes second to my anger. I absolutely hate it when people call it the Silver Creek shooting. It makes it seem as though one of my students went crazy and killed everyone there that day. I will not allow it to be made into something it is not for political reasons.

"No, no it is not okay. I have come in here after months of trying to get you people to listen to me." I walk over to Mr. Phillips, flashing the recorder in front of his face. "I have actual proof that this gang is behind the shooting, one of my students survived, he wasn't there that day, they had kidnapped him and beat him into silence. He told me everything and your detective here, doesn't want to listen."

Mr. Phillips look over to Alberts then back to me, I don't turn around not bothering to even care if I get this asshole in trouble.

"I see, well let me see your evidence and I will get back to you as soon as possible. If I remember, Emerits was the lead on this case correct?" I nod my head while handing over the recorder. "Then I will see to it that he receives this as soon as possible."

"Thank you." I say then take one last look at Alberts. He has the same self-satisfied look on him as when I was first introduced to him and I mouth the word asshole as I leave, content with handing over my recording device to him.

On the way home, my mind craves a drink. I stop by one of the old bars on the outskirts of the city and down the first shot of bourbon put in front of me. Thinking of the way I was simply pushed off by Alberts weighs heavy on my mind. Lately, my anger has gotten the better of me too many times to count. I can no longer suppress the urge to take matters into my own hands.

"Think you've had enough buddy." The bartender says while cleaning an empty glass with a white rag. His large frame and the fact that he is smoking a Cuban cigar is almost laughable.

"Clich¨¦ much." I chuckle.

"Want me to call you a cab?"

I look around and notice the place has started to pick up. Checking my phone, I ignore the thirteen missed calls I have from Laurie, my mother, and my father, and see that is nearly eight in the evening. I have been here for hours soaking my body in alcohol.

"Buddy?" looking up I make eye contact once again with the bartender and nod my head. I'm barely sober enough to make a call, I know I couldn't drive anywhere in this state.

Twenty minutes later, my cab arrives, and I slouch in the backseat as I call out my address. It doesn't take us long to arrive in the area of my home. As we slow down I take in my surroundings. All the cookie cutter homes, the large oak trees with tire swings tied tightly to their enormous branches, the white picket fences. It all means so little to me now.

"What the hell?" My cabbie calls out. I squint my eyes when red and blue lights flash all around us as we near my home.

"What is it? Car accident?"

"Not sure but the road is blocked, can't get pass this section of the street."

"I'm good, how much do I" I'm cut off by someone walking by the taxi cab crying. I recognize her as my neighbor, Mrs. Jones, who will often babysit Ava for us.

I jump out of the cab in seconds, ignoring the cab drivers vulgar language to pay him, and run up to my home. I can still remember all the happiness pouring off Laurie and I the moment we decided this would be our forever home.

Yellow tape and a slew of what seems like hundreds of police officers surround my home. I am stopped before I can reach my house and notice the front door open and people filing in and out.

"Sir, we need you to stop there."

"Please, my family, my wife and daughter, they are inside there, are they okay?" The officer that stopped me, the one who's hand is pressed against my chest, slowly lowers it, giving me a look of pity. He looks over at his partner, standing with his arms crossed at his chest, with a solid look.

"Sir .."

"Let him through, he's the homeowner, let him through." I hear being shouted from across the yard. Looking over I spot Detective Emerits, the one that was in charge of my case originally.

I ran over to him staring into my house once again praying for the best, but by the time I reach him I can see that tear marks down his face.

Please God no.

"Ryan, I'm so sorry my friend. We are working on what happened, speaking to neighbors, but we just aren't sure."

"What do you mean? where is my family? Where is my daughter?"

I hear a scream from behind me and turn to see my mother collapse into the waiting arms of a few officers. Above her my father consoles her with one arm on her shoulder or the other one is covering his face as he holds in his sound.

Please God no.

"Ryan, your family, they're gone. They were murdered."

My body gives way as I collapse onto the ground screaming my daughter's name, screaming my wife's name. I've failed them, I have failed them all. I didn't answer my phone, too busy getting drunk in my own self-loathing. Looking up I spot officer Alberts standing in the dark corner of my yard. A few officers surround him and he the look he gives me is unlike anything I have ever seen.

It's not a look of pity.

It's a look of pride.