Four.

Five.

My palms grew sweaty, and I stuck them in my dress pockets. At least I had pockets.

Six.

Seven.

I sucked in a breath of frigid air, heavy with the scent of mud.

Seven damn cars in one driveway. And that didn't count mine. His house wouldn't have grass left when spring finally hit.

There wasn't a sign anywhere directing me in which door to take, so I headed toward the front one. The bright green front door opened before I reached the top step. There went my chance to run away.

"You must be Vonnie," said a woman with straight brown hair that hit at her shoulders. She had on a bright yellow pantsuit that matched the outside of her home and a white apron without a single stain on it.

I smiled. "Yes, I'm here to see Kelvin." Is that what a girlfriend said? Where was my fake boyfriend? Shouldn't he be here to introduce me?

The woman sized me up. "You didn't bring the taco casserole?"

I glanced behind me. Was she talking to someone else? There wasn't a ninth car in the driveway. "Umm. No."

"Kelvin said he told you," she said, ushering me inside.

"Sorry, I must have forgotten." Once I made it past the doorway, she covered me in a hug that took too long and turned awkward.

"I'm Jackie," she said when she finally let me go, a full one thousand seconds too late.

I considered grabbing her hand, but we'd already done the hugging, so it seemed overkill. "Vonnie, but you know that."

"We all know to expect Vonnie. You're the talk of the family dinner," a voice said from behind me.

I turned on a heel with my hand on the stun gun in my pocket. A female who stood about four inches shorter than me held out her hand. She had on a denim jacket with a graphic T-shirt under it. Something with words I couldn't read and a pair of black leggings.

Oh thank goodness, a normal person. I left my coat on the chair by the door and held out my hand.

"Clarice," she said as we shook. "I'm Kelvin's cousin, and he's told me all about you."

My cheeks turned a shade of pink that I hoped they'd blame on the heat in the house.

"Yes, it was so nice of my Kelvin to tutor you in math. Saving you from college expulsion was the kindest act," said his mom. "He's always looking out for others."

I narrowed my eyes. Expulsion over a math grade? "I don't think my grade was quite that bad." Math wasn't my favorite subject, but I passed with a solid C when I had to take it in school-without the help of Kelvin's tutelage.

"Don't worry. I know the truth," Clarice whispered in my ear when Jackie turned away.

I whipped my head in her direction. "What?"

"Bring Vonnie in here, Clarice," Jackie called from the other end of the room. "I'll tell Kelvin she's arrived without the casserole."

Clarice smiled. "Kelvin told me the truth about you two, but don't worry, I won't ruin the story you came up with."

That we came up with?

She grabbed on to my arm and pulled me into a long dining room with a table that fit at least eight. Where were the other hundred people going to sit? A long buffet filled with different dishes spanned the length of one wall.

"That's uncle Tom. He bowled a two-fifty last year and won't shut up about it," she said, pointing to a man in a tweed coat. "And don't get his wife next to him started on how the county fair will not have a cooking contest this year."

"Noted."

"They're my parents," Clarice said with a smile. I liked her. "But you probably already knew that."

Weird.

"No, how would I?" Because I was a private investigator? Did Kelvin tell them that part or only the fake horrible math grade?

She waved to her dad. "Because of how you really met."

What? I rubbed at my chin and then ran my fingers through my hair as I shuffled through thoughts. "How?"

"You stalked him online and tricked him into going on a date with you," she said it so matter-of-factly, like I was the dumb one in the scenario. "I'm glad you finally worked up the courage to ask him out."

And I was the dumb one in the scenario because I did not know what she was talking about. I tricked Kelvin into dating me? If anything, he tricked me into coming here today? Blackmailed really. "Wha-"

My fake boyfriend-future murder victim-cut off my question with his approach. "Vonnie, I'm so glad you finally made it. I thought you got lost."

He and his cousin laughed.

Kelvin had the same slicked back hair that he normally wore, but in his own home, he felt comfortable enough to walk around in a pair of Star Wars pajama pants. They had little Hans Solo figurines hanging out of a flying spaceship, or whatever they were called.

I never paid attention when Broadrick made me watch.

"Nope, not lost. Just working."

His shirt was black with a white silhouette of Hans warning us not to tell him the odds. "Mom said you didn't bring the taco casserole."

"You didn't share your mom's recipe. Did you?" asked Clarice.

Kelvin shook his head. "Never. Vonnie said she had a better recipe that we had to try, but I guess she forgot. Honestly, it's for the best," he said, leaning in conspiratorially. "Vonnie only thinks she can cook, but I eat it out of pity for her like a good boyfriend. Thankfully, she's agreed to lessons before we get married."

Married? I wouldn't marry Kelvin if someone offered me a million dollars.

Clarice looked at me with sympathy. I ran my fingers through my hair again, in annoyance this time. I wanted to shout the truth at everyone. Who knew what horrible stories Kelvin told people about me?

I bit my lips together and then smiled back at his cousin before pulling Kelvin to the side. "You didn't tell me to bring the casserole," I whispered when we were in a corner alone.

Hell, I'd never heard of taco casserole. Was it like taco salad?

"Okay, it looks like everyone is here now that Vonnie has arrived," Jackie said from the other side of the room. Everyone stared in our direction and my cheeks grew hot. "She and Kelvin get to eat first since she's the guest, even though she didn't bring a dish to pass."

Full-on blazing hot cheeks. I hated Kelvin. If this was how he treated a fake girlfriend, how the fuck did he treat a real one? I'd never ask him for another favor or autopsy report ever. He was dead to me.

He moved me toward the buffet with a hand on my elbow. I seethed silently and promised myself I couldn't kill him. Not in a room full of witnesses.

Kelvin handed me a plate from the end of the buffet and I stepped in front of the mashed potatoes on autopilot. My brain had too much for me to process at one time. I globbed a large helping of potatoes from the spoon to my plate and then moved to the mac and cheese dish, doing the same without looking or thinking about it.

"Easy there, Vonnie. Let's not carb out. Your hips can't handle it," Kelvin said and not in a whisper.

I dropped the spoon back into the bowl of rice. "Excuse me?"

He did not. Did he understand how close to death he hoovered in that particular moment?

"I'm just looking out for you. You look okay now, but you don't want to put on too much weight."

I turned, so we were face-to-face and he saw the murder in my eyes. "That is not okay, Kelvin."

"Oh, you've got yourself a feisty one, Kelv," someone who had already taken a seat at the table said. I didn't turn to see who.

"What's your problem, Vonnie? It was a joke."

My mouth fell open and I clutched the plate. "The way you're talking to me is my problem."

"If you can't handle a little helpful advice, you aren't the girl for me," he said with a plate in his hand.

"Are you kidding me right now?" He had to be kidding. Right?

Kelvin shook his head. "No, I wasn't being mean. You're just too sensitive."

I handed him my carb-loaded plate, but he only looked at it in disgust. "Maybe I'm not."

"Then I guess this will not work out if you plan to eat like that."

Had I fallen into the Bermuda Triangle? What was going on? His entire family stared at us from around the dining room table. I'd only been here ten minutes, and it was a nightmare.

"Are you dumping me? In front of your family?" I asked with my brow so furrowed I felt the creases as I spoke.

This breakup was about to kick Broadrick's email dumping out of first place for world's-worst-dumping, and Kelvin wasn't even my actual boyfriend. This couldn't be real.